Daybreak

Well it is 5:15 in the morning and despite my efforts, I cannot sleep.

The day is creeping into motion, and light is slowly breaking through the clouds of the morning.

Meanwhile, me and Benjamin (my scottish terrier) lay in bed.

Ben is contently in a deep sleep, however I just can't seem to find a way to fall into the slumber he is enjoying.

Being up this late has brought me into a conversation I didn't expect to have, especially at 3 o'clock on a Tuesday morning.

I needed this conversation.

I did.

Occasionally, or more frequently if I'm being honest, I lose sight of all that I could be and am capable of. I fall into a slump of worldly mistakes that I deem acceptable for reasons I wouldn't know how to identify.

You make me want to be something better...

No matter how fast I run,

You save me.

Dear Boy,

I like you.

Sincerely,

Hannah

Benjamin.

Hey I'm a nervous wreck...

But I've decided to get over that.

Life is good.

My life is good.

Mute.

I've been trying to write...really....

It's just been hard to say...well, everything.

Just...Love

"We were blamed for what was happily our fault... and to be guilty of our crime was the happiest thing of all."

-When We Were Insane

Fantastical

"If your mind

did wander free,

I pray It'd drift

to thoughts me.

If you dream

of fields of grey,

I pray it's me

with whom you lay.

If you are

the type to wish,

I pray you wish

for just my kiss.

Your fantasies

for which I pray,

I hope are true

in future days."

-Albert Finning Jr.

Never.Let Me.Go.

" It had never occurred to me that our lives, so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them."

...

"What do you want from me? Truth? Alright. You've got it. Here is the pathetic piece of me that you have asked for. What is wrong? You. You are what is wrong with me. You are every torturing thought that has ever been stuck in my head. I can't sleep. You are exhausting. And watching other people look at you, and you looking at them...You make me rage. But the absolute worst is when you talk about your dreams of meeting that one guy who will make you believe in love. You think you haven't met him... You think he hasn't met you? You don't even consider that he might've known you for your entire life... he might know that you couldn't snap your fingers until sophomore year in high school. He might know that after 18 years, you've finally decided that you like pink. He might know that you try so hard not to cry that when you finally do its terrifying. He might know every little problem you have that makes you a complete disaster, and regardless of all of it he might still want you everyday of his life. He does. I do. The truth is when your standing in a room full of people, I can't see anyone but you...But when we are completely alone you still can't see me. That's the truth that I have been lying about my entire life."

----------------------------------------------------------------

We ask for truth, maybe because we don't expect to receive it...

So happens when we do?

The Great..

I've been waiting for a long time for this.

I can't imagine ever wanting to be this young again...

But older and wiser people than me say that I'll miss it one day...

I hope they are incorrect.

Though I said I never would, I'll be Yours.

Wonderful weekends always bring me to the same place: two steps closer to sanity sitting in my bed anxiously awaiting what the next five days will hold.

What does this week hold any how?

-media quiz (what happened in the world last week anyway?)

-academic advisement

-nutrition analysis

-laundry

-To-Do lists

-The Real World (yes, it's a priority)

-Depart at DFW

-Arrive at LAX

That's right. This week ends with the sunset breaking through a cloudy California sky. This girl is going to California for a much needed vacation.

And now that I've gotten all practicalities out of the way, how about story time?

I have this dream sometimes, and you don't know that you're in it.

That's OK though... you'll know someday.

It's a few years from now,

and all those insecurities we once felt are shadows in the past.

You're taller than me, so I wear heels all the time.

We fight so much, and I like to look you in the eye.

We're that couple that I've always made fun of...

You've seen them, so unaware and absent-minded of anything but the other. It's sickening.

We go to record stores and eat chinese takeout because I can't cook.

I try really hard to cook for you, but all I can make is brownies so sometimes we have those for dinner.

You've been wearing your glasses lately,

and I got a haircut with bangs.

We look funny dearest...

Dearest...I don't call you that very often... only on days when I am unexplainably happy...

We fell asleep on the balcony again.

We should really get better outdoor furniture if this is going to become a habit...

And then It will rain for days...

I'll be angry with you, and you won't leave me alone. You know I don't want you to.

You'll hold me even though I scream, and I'll come back to you.

I always do.

The sun will come out,

And we'll have breakfast outside at Fluffy's. Two eggs on toast...

We'll laugh, and smile, and thank the strange universe

because our dreams have come true...

And as our story time concludes,

I bid you Goodnight.

ENDORPHINS!

Just a Reminder

Well as always I abandon the blog only to come crawling back either because of insomnia or procrastination, in this instance i'll attempt to avoid my psychology studies.

By the way, it is pronounce eye-ther...not ee-ther.

During my ten day disappearance from theAFTERpart, many interesting things have come into play. The experiences have ranged from camping in the marshes of Beaumont Texas, to spending eight consecutive hours in the library...and counting.

The business of being busy is an emotionally eroding thing. Will I ever grow accustomed to this fast-paced life, or is it something that genetically we all just learn to live with, surviving only by voicing our complaints?

As I proofread, I've noticed that my writings have changed. As if the fact that I'm proofreading at all isn't alarming, it seems as though I'm constantly writing about my life in news release format. I blame Writing For Media Markets entirely. Alas fellow college students, apparently all of these classes we attend DO in fact aid in learning. Just as I was beginning to have my doubts...

I do in all honesty wish I could get back to the raw, unorganized collective writings that mostly make up this tablet, but truthfully I'm not feeling like much of a kid lately. I say this, but in contrast I had cereal for dinner and have a tasty PB&J wrapped up for later. There is a 4-year-old in each of us that screams occasionally, just to remind us that we aren't as old as we might feel.

Perhaps this is a wake up call.

Press onward.

This too shall pass,

just as things usually do.

Vanished.

What is it like to disappear? I have attempted to do so during trying times in my life, but the results of disappearing are always temporary. Do we breach our comfort of privacy reaching out for communication, or is our comfort breached by others who pull us back into the world where we can be seen?

I'd like to disappear...for maybe a moment or two.

And if I could disappear, maybe you'd wonder where I was.

Life is in a big transition right now, and I'm not handling it very well. I've been emotional, angry, destructive, vague, and flaky to a few people who matter quite a lot to me. This too shall pass....I know this...but what about this feeling?

This feeling...

This constant wonder of when am I going to wake up and feel comfortable with this entire mess...

White flag in hand, I'm just asking for peace...

Inner.

Outer.

Peace.