MovingInMovinOn

So how does this go? I've said my goodbyes and made peace with leaving what has been so familiar, but how do I approach the hello's that the future holds?

"Have fun and find your wings for a couple of years...and then figure out where you want to fly."

Someone told me that tonight. We had a conversation that I didn't expect to have...but conversations with this person, well, they've always had a spontaneous quality. We talked about You. I hate talking about You. Talking. Thinking. Dreaming. And waking up. No.

But on a happier note,

I don't know where I want to fly just yet. And it is truly a beautiful thing that for now, I don't have to know.

Mom cried today. It breaks my heart each time.

It's a heavy thing to feel. It's as if something reaches inside of you and tries to stretch your heart right of your chest cavity... I suppose thats true in a sense.

I can't help but to leave part of my heart with my mom, and with my dad.

There would be no safer place to leave it after all.

Tonight is my last night here.

It was debatable as to if I would leave tomorrow, or Thursday, but now I know.

Tomorrow is the day.

In leaving there is freedom.

You become and blank slate hiding behind the alias of being new.

_________________________________________________

It's time for the truth...

I'm trying so hard to write about college because that's what I feel like I'm supposed to do right now.... but if it were any other night I know exactly what I would be talking about....

It is my last night to sleep in my bed before I go to Baylor, yet all I can think about is you...

You crawled into my thoughts unexpectedly in the end... but you always seem to do that. You give me just enough time to forget you, and then you make sure there is a reason to remember you again. Im not that girl anymore. I'm strong. I'm logical. I'm not stuck in a fantasy that you pushed me into anymore.

Yes. There is a certain nostalgia about you that I can't seem to escape sometimes,

but I'm older.

I'm not the same.

I grew up...

but you didn't.

You haven't moved.

I used to feel so helpless...

but now... it's you.

What you used to have, you lost.

I don't know what this is.

I don't know if I'm not through with you.

I don't know if this is done.

but this I do know:

I'm in a place to forget...

If you'd only let me.

I don't have enough faith to invest in "maybes" anymore...

From now on, that is your expense.

_______________________________________________

Alright. I feel better.

I know someone may be confused....

This isn't about You.

It's about You.

..........

or maybe it's been about me the whole time.

Maybe this is all

just

a

dream

:)

This....

Could not possibly give so much of a summary of "What I Think", but we all fall prey to the cluthes of boredom.
What you think. survey: "
1-What do you think about life?
I'm a pretty big fan.
2-What do you think about love?
It seems quite popular.
3-What do you think of your friends?
It's been an interesting ride.
4-What do you think about your school?
I lyke tha Bayla Beayas
5-What do you think about work?
Do it.
6-What do you think about people?
They're a frustrating fascination of mine.
7-What do you think about your teachers?
I haven't met them yet.
8-What do you think about art?
We can all find some beauty in the ugly.
9-What do you think about artists?
Different breed.
10-What do you think about your parents?
I think I'll keep em.
11-What do you think about homework?
I'm going to have it soon.
12-What do you think about reading?
I like it...I do.
13-What do you think about myspace?
Playground for provocative sixth graders
14-What do you think about spring?
White dresses and wheat feilds?
15-What do you think about summer?
You grow weary of it, just as you craved it in the beginning.
16-What do you think about fall?
This fall is pretty important.
17-What do you think about winter?
Boots, and scarves, and grey :)
18-What do you think about computers?
Thank you for MacBooks and Frostwire.
19-What do you think about TV?
Movies.
20-What do you think about smoking?
I value the whiteness of my teeth too much.
21-What do you think about drinking?
Eat. drink, and be merry.
22-What do you think about?"
It's a frustrating concept...and it always has been.

drydrydesert

-Okay here's the part where it's late at night and I'm feeling a bit....Im not sure.

-Listening to pathetic Mayday Parade jams

-I'm really just enjoying some quality moping around time

-Robin moved into her dorm at ACU today, and I'm very happy for her.

-Now if only Thursday could arrive so I could move in to my dorm.

-I'm seriously thinking of deleting my facebook. Alright, we all know that's not going to happen but it has been making me quite angry lately.

I guess what's really bothering me specifically is that one friend. Of course I could delete them... but I can't really bring myself to do that either. It's very immature of me, and if they ever read this I'm sure they would have no problem deleting me in a heartbeat. But I feel so stupid because I'm talking about facebook on my blog....

-Even though I'm kind of sipping some hater-ade towards facebook right now, I am for sure going to see the movie about it...I've forgotten what it's called, but it looks spectacular.

-Current song "Miserable at Best"... Seriously? Seriously?!

-I know I keep rushing for it to be move in day, but It's going to be very hard to give my mom that one sealing hug... she's a tiny little woman with big emotions, and I love her very very much.

-Gosh I might throw up (this song)

-I don't like slow dancing.... I just don't. Mom thinks it's a sign of commitment issues. lawl

-You know I think I'd be crazy not to have commitment issues.

I speak for all seventeen year olds when I say this. We're young. We should act that why while it's still appropriate.

-Blah....if that's a mood, then that's how I feel...Blah

-Thank you iPod shuffle for some Radiohead....

-And with that, Goodnight.

Confession: Right now,
It hurts.

aiggght

-11:11 a.m Office Hunger is the WORST

-This one particular strange conversation has going on for days

-Actually I'd say it's been going on for a little over a year

-But I just cannn't stop talkin' :)

-But it's healthy: It hasn't hurt for a while now: Hooray for growth

-However THAT wound is still healing, and perhaps will be for years to come

-But I've been feeling sunnysunnysunny, and you don't get to be a cloud :)

-Today is the day of emoticons I guess [ :) ]

-11:18 a.m Office Hunger has not subsided

-"It's cricket season." -Barry Green [scattershooting.blogspot.com]

-I check that blog^ nearly every day

-Sure, I'm always fishing around for information about the latest scandal

-Many people act above that...But I really don't think anyone is

-My advice about oatmeal: I'M STILL STARVING

-Joe T's with the girls tonight is sounding more and more fabulous

-So the current battle happening in my mind: My last Sunday in town is approaching. Do I go to Gateway where I've been going lately? Or do I go to Grace for one last appearance with my parents? I grew up at Grace, so it seems appropriate, but I'm fascinated with the idea of disappearing... Too much analyzation has gone into that thought. Perhaps I'll flip a coin.

-Story Time: This morning I thought i'd like to paint my nails black...well

upon finishing painting one thumb I decided I changed my mind.

So I wiped off the one polished fingernail with a post it note...and that just was not very effective.

Result: I have nine clean, presentable fingernails, and one horrendous blackish, stained, skank of a thumbnail. So that's how that went.

-11:33 a.m and the vision of lunch is in sight...tick...tock...TICK...TOCK

-Daily Craving: Stromboli

Debt Free

This is the thing.

I'm alright.

You know, I get it.

I understand.

You do you,

and Im doin' me.

But um,

where's your consideration?

where's your conscience?

where'd you put the knife you just stabbed me with, eh?

I'm good.

Really.

But that hurt for a couple of seconds.

My account is empty.

I can't spend anymore hurt on you.

So next time,

go somewhere else.

MustBeSaid

Not one ounce of me appreciates Matchbox Twenty

Groovin'

-okay so I took quite the vacation which got me out of the blogging groove

-I really don't like the word "groove" in any context, but ayy it's alright

-Summer is ending like it began:slow

but summer time had a marathon of the fast paced life which was good

-"Summer timeee, when the livin's easyy..." Couldn't help myself

-So I've joined the ranks of the cliche(again) and started a diet today

-Sophomore year I went on a diet, and a friend I had at the time was very upset and would trick me into eating...I'd go over to his house and he'd take me to sonic (cherry limades are a weakness) and he would actually be appalled at my discipline... but realistically thats too young of an age to start a diet, and I worked out a minimum of an hour and fifteen minutes a day(school athletics). I guess he thought I was pretty enough, or somehow "above" dieting. That makes me smile. But he doesn't think of me that way anymore, and I'm becoming okay with that. Things change, and people move on. If you wanna rock, you rock, and if you wanna roll, you roll. You roll with the punches. Song anyone?

-Chasing rabits ^

- But here goes

-No bread

-No softdrinks

-Multi vitamin

-Exception: Sugar Free redbull

-Sad factors: I must part with my wheat thins that I eat every day. I have a blood sugar problem and wheat thins have saved my funtionability and coherance more times than I can count.

-Replacements: Goodbye wheat thins, hello beef jerkey(redneck much? incredible protein however)

-So there it is, the plan that will be easy enough to abide by. I'll just have to turn away when a hot buttered roll is pulling at my heartstrings

-I did a No Bread Project for two weeks, and it was spectacular. (Yes I will be one of those people that we've all rolled our eyes at before) I felt more awake, and lighter within days. I ended up losing six pounds on the project.

-When it comes to weight, number does not bother me at all. I know when I feel heavier though, and that is usually what springs me into action. I enjoy the purpose and challenge of a diet(lame).

-I hate the word diet

-That is "hate word number two" of this entry (groove^)

-I'm back at the office for my last days of employment before the big move to Waco

-Being at the office makes blogging VERY easy because... there really is nothing else to do, but I enjoy the down time.

-I find sanctuary in the fact that no one reads this blog(that I know of), because really I basically just talk to myself. Most entries include just a ramble of whats on my mind at that exact moment in time, and if I am reading that particular writing style of anyone (like myself) I remain completely...well...bored?

-Summary^: This is my space to ramble without interruption or the feeling of stupidity you get when you ramble in conversation

-And with that, I think I publish

-I'm back in the GROOVE'-lawl

still afraid

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
and deep
as the sea
but right now
everything you want is wrong,
and right now
all your dreams are waking up,
and right now
I wish I could follow you
to the shores
of freedom,
where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
and everything was still a bet
in love's game
you would call; I'd call you back
and then I'd leave
a message
on your answering
machine

But right now
everything is turning blue,
and right now
the sun is trying to kill the moon,
and right now
I wish I could follow you
to the shores
of freedom,
where no one lives

Freedom
run away tonight
freedom, freedom
run away
run away tonight

We're made out of blood and rust
looking for someone to trust
without
a fight
I think that you came too soon
you're the honey and the moon
that lights
up my night


But right now
everything you want is wrong,
and right now
all your dreams are waking up,
and right now
I wish that I could follow you
to the shores
of freedom
where no one lives

freedom
run away tonight
freedom freedom
run away
run away tonight

we got too much time to kill
like pigeons on my windowsill
we hang around

ever since I've been with you
you hold me up
all the time I'm falling down

But right now
everything is turning blue,
and right now
the sun is trying to kill the moon,
and right now
i wish i could follow you
to the shores
of freedom
where no one lives

freedom
run away tonight
freedom freedom
run away
run away tonight

IwishIwishIwish

-Hello August.

-I've been away for a while vacationing for Dad's birthday, and I couldn't have known how nice being away was going to be.

-I'm in a strange place drifting between sweet familiar summer time, and moving on, and anticipation is sustaining me between those two places.

-In fourteen days the wishing and waiting is over, and the new chapter begins. The official beginning of theAFTERpart.

-I am EXTREMELY ready for that part because this anxious present part is freaking everyone out. -I have always been one to count down to events, the record being my 103 day countdown to my sixteenth birthday (A trip to New York and a license to drive had me foaming at the mouth).

-Well the next fourteen days is already seeming like more than 103 days, and it's driving me absolutely up the wall with INSANITY.

-I want to decorate my hole-in-the-wall of a dorm

-I want to see my room mate (don't know her/seems like a really nice girl)

-I want to be hungry

-I want to be at the lake

-I want to be done with waiting

-It's rare that so many problems have just one solution, but all the of the above do

-The solution: AUGUST NINETEENTH